So, yesterday, we get this headline:

Ovitz: "Gay Mafia" After Me!
     Forget the financial missteps and the countless enemies he made as Hollywood's once powerful überagent: Mike Ovitz knows once and for all why his reputation and business are in ruins.
     It's the "Gay Mafia."
    ..... "It was the goal of these people to eliminate me," Ovitz said. "They wanted to kill Michael Ovitz. If they could have taken my wife and kids, they would have."

Um ... Mike, babe: if they're gay, what the hell would they want with your wife and kids?

Anyway, next day, we get this gem:

Ovitz Issues an Apology for Comment About 'Gay Mafia': Former superagent Michael Ovitz has issued a public apology for remarks in a magazine article that hit newsstands Wednesday blaming a "gay mafia" of his enemies for the recent collapse of his talent management enterprise.

Well, I should think so, yes.

First, he got the terminology all wrong. It's not the "Gay" mafia, it's the "Lavender Mafia". (Sometimes the "Lavender League" if you're being precious.) A small thing, yes, but if you're going to piss people off gratuitously, you need to sound like you know what you're talking about.

Second ... did he really think he could get away with that? I mean, he's talking about the Lavender Mafia. If they have enough power to bring down the company he founded, for heaven's sake, what did he think they'd do to him when those remarks got back to them?

I'm sure they made him an offer he couldn't refuse to get him to retract that statement. Maybe threatened to have his home redecorated by Evil Queens Without Taste. (Think "rococco" without any of its few saving graces.)

I'm just trying to figure out how Eisner wound up in the Lavender Mafia. I mean, who knew?

Just remember: we're here, we're queer ... and we will get your ass if you cross us....

I was thinking about writing something along these lines, but since I'm straight I didn't think I could get away with it.

I had this image of him being visited by a couple of guys named "Vito" and "Luigi" wearing beautifully tailored Italian suits in lovely shades of pink, with an exquisite flower in each lapel, and so on and so forth...