Sunday, December 22, 2002
Dear Mr PostManners,
Recently, my significant other and I decided to introduce the concept of "toys" into our bedroom. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Now. I'm perfectly amenable to, shall we say, insertable toys. When they are of a reasonable size. However, the toy that my partner wishes to introduce into our bedroom is the size of ... well, it would be entirely at home on a large elephant. And not only does it vibrate, but it twists and twirls and turns and is altogether too active. I was able to persuade my partner to put away the toy for the night (my jaw still hurts), but I fear that it may make a reappearance. How do I persuade him that perhaps we should start with something a shade more reasonable?
Not That Kinky
One is reminded of a tale from one's dear friend Gabriel, who brought such a toy into his bedroom after the bloom had gone off his marriage to his militia. (It took about a month.) Of course, Gabriel is gifted with a silver tongue, and was easily able to persuade them of the benefits of such a device, since which time, they've all been walking and sitting quite ... gingerly.
Since your partner has not been able to so persuade you, one must assume that he is not so gifted. Therefore, there are two paths you can take:
First, you can simply tell your partner that you feel that this particular toy is inappropriate for a "starter", as it were, but that perhaps you might be more comfortable with it at a later date. (This presumes that you would be more comfortable with it at a later date. Otherwise, just stop at "inappropriate" and see what happens. You may be dealing with his disappointment for some time to come. One understands that there are exercises that you can do to strengthen and stretch your jaw muscles.)
Alternately, you can simply bring in what you would feel to be an appropriate object and demonstrate its proper use on yourself or your partner, should he be so amenable. (One must admit that this way may be rather fraught, however. One's social secretary once bought something called an AccuJack into one's house. One had to be quite forceful in stating that one was not prepared to place into such an intime portion of one's self an object the size of a Volkswagen. However, when one tried to demonstrate the use of a similar but rather smaller object, one's social secretary went off in a huff. One had to try quite hard to persuade him. Parts of One were quite sore for weeks afterward. But one digresses.)
Yours in Toyland,
(although One cannot imagine why you would want to obtain advice elsewhere.)Emily Post Institute