jealous of an ex
Dear Mr. Postmanners:
I'm thirty years old, and I've been dating my boyfriend for the past year. I love him madly, we have wonderful conversations, incredible sex, we have a lot in common, and we even enjoy just being together and doing nothing in particular. But he does one thing that I can't stand. He still hangs out too much with his last boyfriend!
He and the Ex dated for two years, but broke up two years ago, more than a year before he met me. He talks to the ex every day on the phone and sees him at least three or four times a week -- they work near each other and do lunch frequently. I don't think they're having sex -- my boyfriend said that one of the reasons they broke up was that they were sexually incompatible, whatever that meant -- and really, the few times I've seen him away from my boyfriend, he seemed sort of ... well, dull. On the other hand, when he's with my boyfriend, he seems comparatively lively, although still not the most exciting person around. And honestly, as far as I can tell, the only thing either of them seem to have in common, aside from the normal sorts of things that one might have in common with a long-term lover, is a really surprising interest in being chic and stylish when it comes to clothes.
But still, I feel very left out and jealous. There are times I would frankly like to take a gun and shoot them both and shred their excessively stylish wardrobes.
Tell me, Mr PostManners, what should I do?
Jealous and Hating It
Oh, dear. Well, first, one will tell you to put the gun down. Right now. No ... NOW. DOWN. ... Yes, and the scissors, too. Step away from the closet and dresser ... There. Isn't that better? After all, no matter how upset you may feel about this situation, risking prison is really terribly unwise, and your boyfriend is unlikely to take the destruction of his quite expensive wardrobe very well.
One wonders: if this person was simply a close friend, and not an ex, would you be quite so upset? After all, people do have some quite close friends.
But still. As this is a former amant, and not merely a friend, one suggests that you might talk to your boyfriend to let him know how insecure you're feeling. The two of you may find some compromise, such as your boyfriend agreeing to see his former amant one or two times less per week. (Your side of that compromise, One is afraid, would likely to be to agree to however much telephone contact they might like.)
One also requests that you look at the words you have written to One. For all their chatter and seeming closeness, you yourself say that they seem to have surprisingly little in common. Their talk seems to be on interests you yourself do not share with your partner, judging from your lack of interest in them. Your significant other can never share each and every interest with you; that would, after all, make them a very peculiar sort of clone.
In any event, one advises you to talk to your partner, and see if you can work this out. One does warn you, if you can't work out something this simple, relatively speaking, you may be in for a difficult time ahead.
(Oh, dear. One's Social Secretary is positively insisting on commenting, and on being quoted directly. If he weren't such a very good Social Secretary, One would never so indulge him. But so. He says, and One quotes:
Just get the hell over yourself, will you? They're not screwing around, he comes home to you, he loves you and shares most of his life with you. You begrudge him a few hours a week? What sort of control freak are you, anyway?
Er ... well, yes. One did mention that the Social Secretary is quite ... forceful, didn't One? Yes.